Its so difficult without DAD. I lost him before I realize the value of DAD. But now....though I used to feel that MOM can never become DAD.. that was materialistic. I realized it as a fact when I started preparations for my marriage. I am missing him in each tiny step I keep.
Its an irony that elders say 'Organize a marriage, Build a house' = 'Maduve maadi nodu, Mane katti nodu' in kannada. It takes our lives out. Sad thing is , I am the key responsible person for everything wrt my marriage , from Mantapa to Marriage,Gifts to Garlands,Tea to Travel, Jewels to Jaggery, Purohit to People, Cards to Cardamoms...................... Meera before marriage to Meera after marriage :). May be I am one among those few girls who walk around by setting things right in their own marriages. I am proud to say that my MOM has brought me up to become 'Bold & Beautiful'. At the same time, in some corner I cry that I can never become an ordinary girl who can enjoy all the moments of her marriage. For a girl, Marriage is the D day for which she would have dreamt for years. But I fear. Its really hard to imagine that her responsibilities and her dreams give a contradictory scene of her marriage. I am now in a confused state to make a trade off between my strong dreams which I was seeing from years and my hard responsible reality.
Most of my friends think I am a 'Strong Lady' , 'Bold Girl' , '21 Century Female' and so on.......... probably they would not have realized that there is a simple little girl behind, who will still dream/think like any other girl apart from realities. It hurts when I feel helpless. I feel helpless when I cannot find an alternate. I am badly stressed out of workaholic environment and responsibilities. But, I felt depressed when I did not find a shoulder to lean my head and just cry. I felt lonely when there was nobody to say "ALL IS WELL". I am not just getting my friends' time to share my feelings...That's where I start to write. I just have reached a state which is making me remain SILENT. Me.. Silent !!!!??? Can you imagine? Expectation reduces Joy......I expected my friends to call me back and just ask how are you feeling? I cannot blame them.. they are equally busy as I am. Worst thing is I want to cry ..but tears are not coming out. I am just feeling " Why don't my dad come back and take away all my grievances?"... Reality calls me back.
Hey hey.. Wait....I am not the one who accept the defeat so easily..... I have full of attitude to say...."I CAN HANDLE THIS" and I Do.
Smiles,
Meera
